


Love and Hate

by AnnaKnimos



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-17
Updated: 2020-04-15
Packaged: 2021-02-19 09:20:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 20,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22775530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnnaKnimos/pseuds/AnnaKnimos
Summary: Friends reconnect. Boy hates girl. Girl hates boy. Drama ensues.
Relationships: Clint Barton/Natasha Romanov, James "Bucky" Barnes/Reader, Loki (Marvel)/Reader, Maria Hill/Sam Wilson, Peggy Carter/Steve Rogers
Comments: 4
Kudos: 53





	1. Chapter 1

**_Her_**

"It's _really_ good to see you." I smiled as the man wrapped his arms around me in a tight embrace. Sam's hugs were always sure to cheer me up. Especially when it's been 5 years since I last saw him. But you never forget your best friend.  
  
"I can't believe you're here. I mean last I saw you, your family was packin' up and movin' to the other side of the country for your dad's new job." He pulled away and smiled that big smile at me.

"Well, I had my heart set on Stark U and my parents agreed. After all the crying about me being far away of course." I laughed as he nodded. 

"I'm sure none of 'em cried more than I did though. It's really, really good to see you." He pulled me into another embrace and I closed my eyes. Relishing in the feeling of having a friend. 

After the move, it was pretty hard to settle in. The kids at the new school were...different. Which is really my way of saying mean. I remember crying myself to sleep in the beginning for a whole week. After that I picked myself up and decided to push myself into my academics. It was all worth it in the end. I got into Stark U and I got to see my best friend again. 

Two guys soon interrupted my thoughts. Two really tall, really attractive guys. One was sporting a blue plaid shirt and blue jeans. His blond hair was cut short and he had his brown backpack slung over one shoulder, while the other hand rested in his pocket. A small smile lay on his pink lips as he walked up to where Sam and I stood, alongside the other dude. 

I wasn't the type of girl that placed much value on looks, but this one hit me like a ton of bricks. It was more his demeanor that drew me in though. I could tell from the moment I saw him that he was different from other guys. He was clad in a black shirt, black jean, black shoes and black gloves. His eyes held fire and ice. He walked with an easy confidence, like he didn't need anything or anyone. His hair was pulled back in a low bun and he didn't bother to tuck behind the stray hair in front of his eyes. A frown was set on his face, along with some scruff around his mouth. The last thing I noticed was the glint of metal from where his left hand lay in his pocket. 

Before I could stare at him more, the blond reached out to Sam.

"Hey. We didn't see you at the café. Didn't think you ditched us for a dame." He turned to me.

Sam chuckled, "Oh no way, it's not like that. This is Y/n. She's like my little sister. We used to be neighbours and were practically inseparable."

I gave the blond a small wave, but instead, he grabbed my hand and shook it. 

"It's nice to meet you Y/n. I'm Steve. This is Bucky."

I furrowed my brows at the name, but turned to Bucky and offered a small smile. When he just looked at me with a dead stare, I turned away quickly. 

"Hey, Nat and Clint's party is tonight. You goin' right?" Steve directed to Sam.

"Of course I am. Dude I'm 21 now. I'm gonna be trying all the liquor." Steve laughed at Sam's answer.

"Y/n what about you? You in?" 

I shook my head, "Sorry. I've got 2 more years before that. Seems like Sam's gonna drink enough for everyone though." 

Sam placed an arm around my shoulder, "You can still come to the party and have fun, you know. Five years and you still haven't changed. I'm sure this is the first party you'll ever be going to in your 19 years of life. Am I right?"

I nodded silently.

Bucky's death stare wavered and he turned his attention to the concrete.

"You're in college now Y/n. You gotta let loose a little bit. Have some fun. Please go. Pleassseeee."

I rolled my eyes. "Fine. I'll go. Just so you'll stop bugging me."

Steve cheered and Sam hugged me for the millionth time. 

"Why don't you give me your number so I can give you the address?" Steve offered.

"No way dude, we're gonna pick her up from her dorm and take her. I need to see where I'm gonna crash tonight." Sam protested.

"Sorry, Sam. No visitors after midnight." I laughed.

"You won't even break the rules for your best buddy. It's a good thing Nat and Clint live off campus. Or we'd never have any fun."

Steve chuckled, "Your idea of fun is _kinda_ intense." 

Sam shrugged him off, "We'll take your number anyway. Be prepared for some serious meme sharing." 

"Hey Buck, you gonna take her number too?" Steve asked the dark haired man who, up until now hadn't said a word.

"No." He muttered and turned to walk away.

Steve sighed and said a short goodbye before leaving to catch up to his friend. 

I furrowed my brows. Why was he being so weird? Sam, being the mind reader that he was, put a hand on my shoulder and smiled sadly. 

"Don't worry. It's not you. He's...complicated. Soon you'll be having so much fun at that party, you won't even think about that." He hugged me one last time before saying goodbye. 

The last hug didn't have as much of a healing effect as the first as Bucky still plagued my mind. 


	2. Chapter 2

I stared at my closet. What do people even wear to a party. I thought about wearing a dress. But that was out of the question. I've only ever worn a dress once in my life and all the ones gifted to me were way too fancy for a college party. Then, I thought about wearing a blouse. Then I remembered it was a party, not church. Finally, I settled on an old, but fashionable band tee and my trusty jeans. A converse would do. A few spritz of perfume and a (whatever hairstyle) should be fine. I gave myself a once over in the mirror. Presentable but enough to fade into the background. Just the way I liked it. 

I put on a random show on Netflix and slumped into the couch as I waited for Sam. About 10 minutes into the show, a text came through.

I laughed and quickly texted him back before quitting Netflix, grabbing my phone and my bag and heading out the door.

"Hey Y/n." Steve was the first to greet me when I stepped outside. 

"Hey." He was wearing a red Henley and dark blue jeans. Whoever bagged him would be one of the luckiest girls on earth. He was a perfect example of the kind of guy every woman wanted to be with. Good at heart, and good looking. I tried not to look at Bucky, who was in all black again. The only difference being the leather jacket on his shoulders.

"Aren't you gonna say hi to your best friend in the entire universe?" Sam grinned at me.

"Hi, Sam. I almost didn't recognize you."

"Yeah I cleaned up the beard a bit. Wanna look fresh faced for someone in particular tonight." He rubbed his hands together and grinned.

"Sam Wilson. Have you fallen in love? When we were kids you swore that would never happen."  
  
"What can I say, things change."

With that, we walked to the apartment.

* * *

  
Only 10 minutes had passed before we made it to Nat and Clint's. Luckily, the school was in the perfect location. Not too far away from the city and surrounding buildings. I wondered how many more good looking people Sam knew. Nat, who I learned was actually Natasha looked like she came straight out of catalogue, and Clint was ruggedly handsome. They had an easy chemistry between them and they were likable to boot. Before long they both had me in stitches with all the stories of their college days with Sam, who was talking to the now not-so--much-of-a-mystery girl Maria. She was one of the nicest people I've ever met, and I thanked God that everything was different from when I moved to that new school all those years back. Well, almost everything. 

Soon enough I stepped back from the crowds of people and found myself on the balcony. I closed my eyes and took in the fresh air and solitude. The glass door then slid open and I waited for the unwelcome company to emerge from the curtain. Bucky. 

He had an unlit cigarette between his lips when he set his eyes on me. He cursed under his breath and put it back in the box. I clenched my jaw and turned back to the stars.

He just stood there. On the other side of the balcony, arms on top of the railing, looking at the city streets below. 

"It's James." Those were the first two words he uttered to me. I almost didn't catch them. His voice was rough but soft.

I furrowed my brows and he directed his steel blue eyes at me.

"I saw your expression when Steve introduced me. My name is James. But my friends call me Bucky."

How do you get Bucky from James? I didn't bother to ask the question that popped into my mind. 

"I like James. It suits you." For a moment, I thought I said the wrong thing before he looked directly at me and gave me a small smile. My breath hitched in my throat. How was he real? All it took was a little curl in his soft, pink lips and my heart started racing like crazy. I willed myself to stop staring when he turned to the city streets again. 

Before any more small talk could be made, I shivered from the cold night air. 

"I should probably head inside."

He looked like he wanted to say something, but decided against it. I paid it no mind and opened the glass door and shuffled around the curtains to join the crowd once again. But before I did, I heard the click of a lighter. 

* * *

"I don't think Sam's in a state to walk." Clint grimaced.

Poor guy. He had to try that Asgardian liquor or whatever it was called. One sip and he was in a haze. So much for having concious fun.

"He doesn't have any classes till Wednesday so do you guys mind if-"

Nat cut Steve off, "Of course not. You can pick him up tomorrow. But not before I give him an especially gross hangover cure. That'll teach him to bite off more than he can chew. Ain't that right Y/n." She smirked.

"You'll be hearing no protests from me." I laughed. 

Steve, Bucky and I made our way out of the apartment after saying goodbye. 

Along the way, Steve took one look at his phone and mentioned something about someone named Peggy and ran off in the direction of the other set of girls' dorms.

Bucky and I fell into step besides eachother on the walk back to my dorm. I tried to remind myself that in only 10 minutes I would be warm again in my dorm room as my teeth chattered in the night air. I cursed myself for not bringing a jacket. I closed my eyes and inhaled heavily as I tried to imagine being buried under 20 blankets. 

Then, a warmth spread across my shoulders. Bucky rolled down his sleeves quickly after draping his jacket over me. Before I could protest he held his hand up. 

"I'll be fine."

I couldn't stop the huge smile that took over my face. 

In the corner of my eye, I noticed the same glint of metal in Bucky's pocket. Before I could look away, he caught me, then stopped walking.

"Look. If you're freaked out like every other chick in this place just piss off." His tone was gruff and he flared his nostrils as he stared daggers into the walkway. 

I furrowed my brows. 

"Freaked out over what?" 

"Sam didn't tell you?"

"Tell me what?"

"About this?"

He pulled his left hand out of his pocket and pulled off his glove, revealing a beautifully intricate metal arm. With grooves and patterns that made me shift to get a closer look.

Without any thought, I ran my hands over the piece of art. I gently moved my finger down the center and back up. 

"It's amazing." I whispered. I didn't notice Bucky staring at me as I admired his hand. 

"Lost it five years ago in a car accident. Same one that killed my parents."

Just like that I locked eyes with him. I couldn't help but ache for him. When Sam said he was complicated he wasn't exaggerating. 

"Don't look at me like that." He muttered.

"Like what?" I asked.

"Like I'm some lost puppy that needs saving. Sh*t happens. You get up, you get over it."  
  
"I get that. But...why do bad things always seem to happen to good people?"

"Who said I was good?" 

My hands were still wrapped around the cool metal when he said it.

"You are good. I know you are."

His blue eyes caught mine and spent a few seconds there.

He then cleared his throat and put the glove back on.

"Come on. It's getting late."

I nodded and walked alongside him in silence.

It didn't take long to get to the building. When we got to the doors I started to remove Bucky's jacket.

"No. Keep it." I nodded and turned to go inside.

He stuck around just until I got inside the doors, then disappeared.


	3. Chapter 3

As I close my books and head out of my last class, I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket. Sam.

I thought about Bucky on the walk to my dorm room. Sam was shocked to find out that I knew about his arm. Bucky seemed like the type of guy to keep things to himself, so why'd he decide to bring it up with me. He could have just brushed me off. I guess he decided to just get it over with. Before I could over analyse the exchange more, I get another text. This time from Steve.

Sure enough, as soon as I round the corner, Steve is there with a sulking Bucky in tow.

"Really?"

"Really." Steve had a smug look on his face as I shook my head.

"Hey, Bucky." I chirped.

The brunette kept quiet and did like always. Staring daggers into the concrete. I ignored his silence and turned to Steve.

"Let me just put my books away." I made sure to grab Bucky's jacket and put it in my bag.

When I came back down, I heard a bit of a conversation between the two men.

"Buck, you can't be serious. You don't know that for sure."

"I do Steve. Now drop it. I don't wanna talk about that anymore."

Steve sighed and scratched the back of his head. When I caught up with them he smiled again. 

"Ready?"

I nodded and let them lead the way to Happy's.

As soon as I stepped through the doors I felt right at home. The dim lights set a comfortable mood, while the sofas and round tables enhanced the cozy atmosphere.

Steve motioned for me to sit while he ordered the food. The table was in a corner of the café in a somewhat private location which I was thankful for. I sat on one of the love seats and Bucky sat in the one facing me.

"So, do you guys come here a lot?" I twiddle my thumbs nervously under Bucky's gaze.  
  
"Yeah."

"What do you guys do?"

"What do you think?"

"Well I don't know that's why I'm asking you." I laughed nervously as he played with a packet of sugar.

"Relax. Study. Pretty much it." He threw the packet back into the container and leaned back.

"Ok Mr.Grumpypants. You know, you should really try to smile more. You have such a nice one it's a shame."

Bucky rolled his eyes, "Listen, I'd rather not talk till I get my coffee okay?" 

"Fine." I clenched my jaw and looked away.

He then sighed and held his temple.

"Look, Y/n...I-"

Before Bucky could continue, Steve returned.  
  
"Here we go. Three cheeseburgers and three of Happy's signature drinks."

"They look really good." My mouth watered at the juicy burger that sat in front of me. The fries were crisp and golden and all of a sudden I was starving.

It didn't take long for us to dig into our meals. Steve made conversation with me about my childhood, school and friendship with Sam. He talked about his life here and there and Bucky smiled a few times when he mentioned some of the trouble they got into. 

"Long story short, I really hate bullies." Steve finished. 

"I won't argue there. I've had my fair share of bullying. It sucked."

"I'm sorry about that. There's never an excuse you know? It doesn't take a lot to be a good person. To treat others with respect." Steve stated.

Bucky turned his attention elsewhere when Steve said this. 

"Okay, I'm gonna go carry these dishes back and hit the restroom."  
  
"Thanks for lunch, Steve. It was the best cheeseburger I've ever had."

"No need to thank me. All I did was broaden your horizons and extend your palate." He grinned and cleaned up the table.

I licked my lips and scratched my nose. Why was I so nervous? Bucky was just a person. A very angry, very mysterious person but a person nonetheless. I took his jacket out of my bag and held it out to him. 

"I had to Google how to clean it because I didn't wanna ruin it. Also, I hope you like the smell of vanilla because I mixed some in with the cleaning solution I used. Thanks again for lending it to me. You're a lifesaver. "

"Trust me. I'm not. And didn't I tell you to keep it."

"I thought you meant for the night..."

"If you don't want it fine."

He grabbed it from my hands and threw it on the other side of the sofa. 

I furrowed my brows.

"What's your problem?" I asked. Bucky never failed to confuse me.

"You are." He looked me dead in the eyes and I believed him.

I looked at him in shock.

"What's wrong? Someone hit you with a stupid stick?" He hissed.

I couldn't stop the tears that fell. 

I grabbed my bag and shot up from the couch. I made my way over to Steve who was thankfully already coming out of the bathroom.

"Thanks again for everything, Steve but I'm gonna go now. Bye."

"Y/n, wait-"

I ignored him as I pushed my way through the doors. 

I'd never felt so embarrassed in my entire life. And for what? Bucky was just a guy. Nothing more. Yet, this hurt more than anything else in my entire life. It hurt more than the time those stupid girls spread a rumour that I was pregnant. It hurt more than when Brock Davis asked me out as a joke in front of his friends. As soon as I jammed my key into the door and got into my room and I couldn't stop myself from collapsing onto the floor and crying.

After a few minutes, I willed myself to get up. Bucky was not going to hurt me. I refused to let him. I picked myself up, took a long hot shower, did my assignments and curled up on the sofa with a pint and Netflix. 

I was halfway through my second cheesy rom com when I got a text. I rolled my eyes. I then remembered a time when I wouldn't get a text for months on end. I found myself missing those days. 

I squinted my eyes in the dark of the room as I opened up the message.

  
I didn't know who it was. The profile picture didn't reveal the person either. 

Whoever it was clearly felt the need to let people know they had issues.

I rolled my eyes and rubbed my temple. I looked outside the window and sure enough, Bucky was at the door looking up at me. I sighed and put on my coat. 

When I got outside, Bucky was outing a cigarette. He turned to face me and put his hands in his pockets,

"Hi." He shifted his weight onto his right leg as he kicked some loose gravel in the walkway.

"Well. You told me to come outside. I'm outside." I grumbled.

"If you're gonna have an attitude I'm leaving."

"You have some nerve talking to me about attitude. James, one moment you act like you hate me, then the next you act like you care, I just met you and trust me, I have no need for friends I've gone almost my entire life without them, but I thought it would be nice for Sam's sake. Do you have any idea how hard it is dealing with you?"

I might have said it a little louder than necessary, but I didn't regret a word. He replied with just as much volume.

"I do ok! I'm messed up and you coming into my life didn't help. You know how many times Sam talked about you? How sweet you were, how caring you were. It was always Y/n this, Y/n that. Then you showed up and I already had this idea of you built up in my head that I didn't know what to make of it. You're the first girl to treat me like an actual human being. You let me know that I'm not a monster but you don't let me get away with acting like one either. You don't try to save me. You don't try to change me. But for some reason now...I _want_ to."

He stepped closer to me until we were inches apart. 

"You make me want to be more...and it's terrifying."

He cupped my cheek with his flesh hand and I closed my eyes. 

"James, I... what are you trying to say here?" I urged him to continue. 

"What I'm trying to say...is that what I feel-"

He places my hand on his chest. His rapid heartbeat pulsed through my entire body.

"I feel it here...and it reminds me that I'm alive. You..remind me that I'm alive."

Suddenly his blue eyes were painted with every colour of a sunset. The look in them was warm and bright. Something I never thought I'd see.

"Y/n..." He pressed his forehead to mine.

He whispered my name like a prayer. I was locked in place. His right hand on my cheek and his left on mine where it lay on his chest.

No words were spoken for a few seconds. Then I felt him let go. 

"I want you to have this." He took off his leather jacket and draped it across my shoulders for the second time. 

"James..I"

"Please..just take it. I'm not gonna force you to return my feelings..or make this into more than what it is. Just know that I need you to have it. I just do..."

I nodded and licked my lips.

"Thank you."

"What are friends for right?" He chuckled and scratched the back of his head. He then checked his phone and frowned.

"I should get back. I'll see you tomorrow." His voice was gentle along with his smile.

"Goodnight, James." 

"Goodnight, Y/n."

I walked back up to my room and looked out the window only to see his retreating form. I bit my lip and ran my fingers along the jacket before sleep took over and I passed out on the sofa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wish I had a leather jacket. Next chapter will be in Bucky's pov.


	4. Chapter 4

**_Him_**

I willed myself not to turn back. I felt out of touch with reality as I couldn't believe that I said those things to her. It felt more like a dream, a distant memory that lingers in the back of one's mind. But it had to be done. I had to tell her how I feel. I couldn't keep hurting her. I couldn't keep being the same as*hole that told her to piss off. She didn't deserve that and I knew it. So why did I treat her like she was nothing? The answer was simple really. I don't deserve her and I feel it in my bones. Someone like her, so pure and so full of light...she can't be tainted by someone like me. I'm made of only darkness and I will not corrupt her. I made a vow as I stepped over the threshold of Steve's, Sam's and my shared dorm, I had to protect Y/n and the only way to do that, is to stay away from her.

* * *

  
I rub the sleep out of my eyes as the sun streams through the window. I hear the clang of pots and pans and I instantly know that Steve's up already, like always. Once Sam smells whatever he's cookin', he'll be up too. I shift and sit on the side of my bed. I flex the prosthetic limb and close my eyes as I remember how she ran her delicate fingers over the metal. I could only dream of having those same fingers run along my lips...my skin...I fall back on the bed as I open my eyes again. 

"Y/n...what are you doing to me?" I place a hand across my bare stomach as I stare at the blank ceiling. It doesn't take long for Sam to interrupt my daydream. 

"Yo Bucky. Steve wants to know if you want in on this bacon and eggs. I'm prepared to tell him no." I could hear the grin in his words. 

"Sure. You can tell him no. Then again you could also end up with a metal fist down your throat."

Sam laughed.

"Kinky. I like it."

I throw my pillow at door as he runs off laughing. Steve then shouts from the kitchen.

"It's in the microwave, Buck! I'm heading to class, catch ya later!"

I shout back a farewell as I step into the bathroom. The cold water did as much as it could to quell the thoughts of her. I wrapped my gray towel around my waist and made my way to the closet. Black sweater, dark jeans, black boots. I grab my gloves and backpack and head to the kitchen to get breakfast, all while trying to keep her out of my head.

-

  
"I'm tellin' you man. There are like at least 5 lizards in Hollywood. Problem is, we don't know who they are. I'm bettin' they got a special lizard juice they spray people with when they find out."

Sometimes, I don't know why I put up with Sam's BS, but it never fails to make me laugh.

"That's ridiculous. I'd say at least 7. And don't forget the music industry. They're full of reptilian rockstars."

"Definitely. But they would be a different species. Which is a whole other thing."  
  
"How did we get here again?" I tried to wrap my head around where the conversation started.

"Professor Selvig gave us an assignment on evolution and we got to talkin' bout lizards."

"Right."

My ears perk up as I hear a familiar voice. 

"Thanks Professor Laufeyson. I'll think about it."

"Please, call me Loki. We are outside of class after all. I'll see you tomorrow. I look forward to your response."

I glare at the lanky, dark haired man as he steps away from Y/n. She had a knit in her brow, and her teeth pierced her bottom lip. I wonder what she's upset about? Before I could think about it any longer, Sam is already running up to her.

"Hey gurrrrrrl."

"Hi, Sam."Her laugh rings through the air like a sweet melody.

"Hey, Bucky." She was smiling at me. She shouldn't do that. I won't be able to keep my promise if she keeps doing that. 

"Hey." I didn't like how it sounded. It was rough, like I was mad at her. 

She frowns instantly and I could see the disappointment fill her eyes. It's better this way. She's better this way.

"What was that about?" Sam puts and arm around her as we fall into step along the pathway.

"I uh...I wrote this paper in high school on rare genetic disorders and...apparently it was submitted for an award, and um..I won."

"An award? Awwww look at you winning awards and stuff." Sam ruffles her hair and she pushes him away. I watch as she doesn't bother to fix the mess Sam left in her locks, focusing on whatever Professor Douchebag gave her instead. She didn't have to though. She was beautiful either way. 

"When I wrote it, Mrs.Foster never told me she submitted it for anything. This is a legit competition. Way above my level. Professor Laufeyson said high school students don't usually get to enter the competition, but since it was my senior year and I'm at Stark U now, it's allowed. He said I should make it my business to attend." Who the hell does he think he is telling her what to do? 

"Is he going with you?" They both stop in their tracks as I asked.

"Yeah. He'll be presenting the award." She keeps my gaze for a couple seconds before looking at the paper again. 

"Where's the ceremony?" Sam squints at the paper in Y/n's hand, which I realise is an invite.

"Am I seeing right? Stark Tower?" Sam's eyes almost burst out of their sockets.

"That's like the fanciest hotel in the country. Looks like someone's gonna have to bust out the high heels and couture."

"I don't think I'll go..."

"Y/n you have to." Sam steps in front of her and places both hands on her shoulders.  
  
"You did this. You wrote a kick-a*s paper and you won an award. You deserve this. You have to go." I couldn't help but smile at his words of encouragement, which is exactly what she needs. 

"Fine...I have two days to pick an outfit. Great."

"I know where you can get a ton of Gucci knockoffs." Sam states as Y/n rolls her eyes. 

* * *

I'm wrapping up my assignment for Professor Selvig's class when I get a text.

It was her. As soon as I see the message, I burst out laughing. Humour suits her.

The next message I see stops me in my tracks..why was she asking me if I was ok? Why did she have to be so sweet? I'm convinced now that no matter what, I have to stay away.

The damage is done. There's no going back. I'm gonna have to forget about her. Her smile, her laugh, her vanilla scent. I feel tears pricking at the corner of my eyes and I clench my fists. I throw my phone on the desk and crawl into bed, hoping for a night of dreams without her.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y/n gets attention like she never has before.

**_Her_**

"Ms.Y/l/n. Are you alright?" I looked up from my empty notebook as Professor Laufeyson called my name. 

"Uh..yeah. I'm ok." I blinked a few times and took a deep breath.

"Then you wouldn't mind actually paying attention." He smirked and resumed the lecture.

What the hell was wrong with me? No, that's the wrong question. What the hell was wrong with Bucky? Why was he so confusing...he wasn't worth my thoughts anyway. If he wasn't going to be mature and talk about what happened, then I guess there really is nothing to talk about. Now all that's left is to forget him. I wasted an entire day thinking about him, well no more.

I was able to focus on what was being taught for the remainder of the lesson and was thankful when time was up. Before I could make it to the door after packing everything, Professor Laufeyson stops me.

"Y/n. What's wrong." He stood and approached me slowly. 

"Nothing." I mumbled. Why did he care?

"Alright. I hope you aren't having second thoughts about tonight. I am on the board, Y/n. I've read your paper. You deserve this." He folded his arms and gave me a pointed look. 

"No. Don't worry I'm going. Anyway, see you later." I rushed out of the classroom before he could get another word in.

* * *

After 2 hours of beating the books, I felt like I needed a long deserved break. All I thought about was that cheeseburger from Happy's. I grabbed my wallet and dashed out of my dorm before I could ponder on it any longer. 

When I walked through the doors I could already smell the fresh coffee and sizzling patties. Laughter filled the air as other students sat in booths and some in the sofas. I made a beeline for the counter and placed my order. I thanked the server for the food and I thanked God that at Happy's, there was no wait for a meal or drink. I looked around the cozy shop and spotted a comfy chair by the magazine rack. I sat down and dug into my burger. It was even better than last time. Before I could delight myself in a second bite, a familiar voice stopped me.

"I'm glad you called, Dot. I've wanted to talk to you since...well you know." It was him. Bucky.

He was holding the door open for a leggy redhead that looked like she spent her free time modeling for Victoria's Secret. I couldn't pull away my eyes as I watched him smile at her with the same smile I had so stupidly thought was reserved for me at one point. Suddenly, my hunger was gone. My heart stopped for a moment and my lips quivered. After receiving their food, he scanned the room and locked eyes with me. His nostrils flared and his metal hand clenched into a fist. I waved at him, a stupid attempt at repairing the "rift" between us. The redhead, Dot, caught my greeting and turned to him.

"Do you know her?" Her face is scrunched as she points at me with a manicured hand.

I don't know what I expected him to say, and I don't know why what he said next felt like a punch to my gut.

"No." It was one word. But it was enough to make me pack up my things and get out of there.

I marched down the street and barged into the first clothing store I see. I walked right up to first salesrep I see, Linda, and made my decision.

"I need a dress for tomorrow and I need it to look good."

* * *

I looked at my reflection in the mirror of my dorm bathroom. I tried to wrap my head around everything that happened in the past few hours as I stand surprised at the girl looking back at me. Linda was more than helpful. After finding the dress, she took me to the store's makeup and hair department. She was a little surprised that I had little knowledge when it came to aesthetics, but she worked her way around my ignorance. In the end, she agreed to meet me today and help me get ready. I sat in the store for an hour and a half, but it was worth it in the end. As soon as I got home all that was left was to put on the dress and calm my nerves.

Before I could even think about the incident at Happy's, a message came through.

I ignored the deleted message as I grabbed my clutch and took one last look at myself before going down. 

As I stepped into the night air, Loki's eyes widened much like mine.

It was strange seeing him wear something other than sweater vests and crisp white shirts. The black tux contrasted with his ivory skin. His ebony hair was slicked back and fell neatly on his shoulders. A bow tie completed his look. I came out of my stupor as he spoke.

"Y/n you..."

"What do I have something on my face?" I nervously patted my chin and cheek as I felt naked under his gaze.

"No..it's just...you're beautiful." My mouth lost all moisture and I casted my gaze to the sidewalk. 

"Thank you. Shall we go?"

He linked his arm with mine and we walked along the pathway to the parking lot.

After a couple of minutes, we stopped at one of the streetlights along the road. He cut the silence by speaking again.

"I must say, I was surprised you decided to go." Loki placed his hands in the pockets of his black tux jacket and looked at the black sky dotted with bright stars above us.

"What do you mean?" I furrowed my brows as he clicked his tongue.

"I know you." What kind of an answer was that? Two weeks and he knows me? He must have sensed my disbelief as he shook his head.

"You may sit in the back of every class and hide yourself from everyone, but I see you. You're the girl who puts the world above herself. Who sees no worth in her bones. Who's comfortable in her solitude on the sidelines. Who no one sees and cares to know...until now."

What...in the holy hell was happening?

"I see you, Y/n." A large, hand covers my cheek. Contrary to the heat in my body, his is cold, but inviting.

His blue eyes bored into mine, and for some reason, I couldn't look away. 

A honk interrupted the moment and I jumped out of his touch.

"Come on, let's go." He opened the door of the sleek, dark limo and we rode in silence. 

* * *

What Sam said about this place was an understatement. There were chandeliers, and grand staircases and everything was painted in gold. I tried to catch my breath as we presented our invitations to the host and stepped into the large hotel lounge. The place was already packed with students, teachers, a few parents and friends, all dressed to the nines. I suddenly wasn't sure if I could do it. I swallowed hard and blinked a million times, until I felt a hand squeeze mine. I looked at Loki and bit my lip.

"It's going to be alright. Come on, our seats are this way." He didn't let go as he led me to our seats. 

We were sat in the front of the audience as Loki was on the board and he would be presenting a few of the awards. Loki apologised as he had to leave to greet the other board members before the event started. My right leg bounced up and down as I thought about walking up on the stage in front of all those people. 

"Hey, stranger." A voice called from behind me. 

I turned around swiftly and met none other than Steve. He was wearing a dark blue tux and his hair was parted and combed neatly to the side. I stood and hugged him as I asked what he was doing here. 

"My girlfriend is receiving an award tonight. I'm sorry I didn't introduce you both. Our schedules don't really match and when I'm sleeping she's up and sometimes we don't see other. She's...right over there."

He points to a beautiful brunette who was smiling at a couple of other guests on the other side of the room. She looked like she held all the grace and kindness in the world and I was instantly happy for Steve.

"She's really pretty. Hot, too." It was the first thing to come out of my mouth and I instantly regretted it.

Before I could stutter any longer Steve calmed my nerves.

"That's Peggy, and don't worry. I know I bagged a babe. But that's not the reason I love her." He held his gaze on her for a moment and I couldn't help but feel a pang of envy at how much love was in his eyes. I longed for someone to feel that way about me. And even if it never happened, it was refreshing to know that guys like him existed. The kind that wasn't afraid to show how they felt and go after what they wanted. I smiled along with him. Peggy must be an amazing girl. 

"Speaking of pretty girls, you look amazing, Y/n." I blushed and scratched my arm.

"You don't look so bad yourself, Steve." He chuckled and held his chest before waving at someone I couldn't see.

The unknown soon made themselves known as Sam, Bucky, and Dot walked up to both of us.

"Glad you guys could make it. It's nice seeing you again, Dot." I noticed the tension in Steve's shoulder as he acknowledged Dot, who drew even more attention than usual with her low cut and backless red dress. Bucky caught my eye though. His hair was cut and he looked like an entirely different person for a second. Till he pointed his angry blue eyes at me, and I saw him as the same brooding Bucky I came to know. 

"Man I'm just glad Peggy got me an invite." Sam laughed as he walked over to me.

"I was supposed to meet up with you yesterday to help you get ready for today. But I had a last minute class and well I see you didn't need my help. I knew you were gorgeous but dang girl tonight you lookin' like a snack."

I couldn't hold in my laughter as I held my stomach. I gave Sam a hug and expressed how happy I was that he was here. I forgot about Bucky and Dot before she spoke up.

"We haven't met, I'm Dot. Who are you?" She was looking at me with a stern look on her face. Bucky shifted his eyes toward her and clenched his jaw. I stuttered for a bit before being saved by Steve.

"This is Y/n. She's receiving an award tonight. Congratulations by the way. The school published your paper in their newsletter and it was nothing short of amazing." He patted me on the shoulder and Sam threw an arm around me.

"That's my girl!" 

"Oh, so you're dating her or something?" She had a frown on her face and placed a hand on Bucky's arm. Bucky shifted a bit and cast a glance at me. There was something in his eyes I couldn't quite place.

"Oh no, she's like my little sister. We were best friends back in the day before she had to move away. But the gang is back together now." Sam turned to me and smiled.

"I thought you didn't know her." Dot was glaring at Bucky and she tightened her grip on his arm.

"I don't." With that he pulled her away from the three of us to a couple of seats at the back. 

My shoulders slumped and I looked at the marble tiled floor. 

"I'm sorry about her. She and Bucky used to date in high school before the accident happened. Her father is one of the sponsors. He's loaded and every bit of jerk she is."

"I guess the rumours are true, and from what I hear she's a real b*tc- hey Peggy! Congratulations, girl. From the moment Maria told me about the all nighters at the library, I knew you'd be the one to watch." He hugged the woman who had just walked up to Steve and she thanked him.

After Steve introduced us, Peggy and I talked for a bit. I was surprised to find out that she was actually from England and was attending the school for a special program. She was a sweetheart and I was happy that she and Steve found eachother. She told me how surprised she was for receiving one of the highest scores in the school's history for Forensic Psychology. She was modest about it, but I assured her she had every right to brag. She assured me that I had every right to brag along with her for my paper as well. We then talked for a bit about our next steps after we graduated school and what we wanted for our careers. I marvelled at the passion and fire Peggy held in her eyes as she talked about how much justice meant to her. She was amazing and I admired every bit of her. 

Soon we parted and got back to our seats as the event started. Loki found me right where he left me and mentioned that he was glad I saw my friends. The chairperson statted the ceremony and after 30 minutes of introduction and speeches by some members of the committee, the awards were given out. 

When they called Peggy's name, I heard a holler from the other side of the room. There Steve and Sam were clapping and standing before one of the guards walked up to the duo and they sat back down instantly. I turned my head back to the stage as I chuckled and clapped loudly for Peggy as she collected her award and made her way down the stairs and back to Steve who seemed a bit grumpy for being shushed.

A voice on my right interrupted my thoughts. "Mr. Laufeyson, we need you in the back."

Loki nodded and leaned down to my ear, "I have to present soon. When I call your name just breathe alright. You're going to be fine." 

He rubbed my arm and made his way to the side of the room and behind a door. This was it. In a couple of minutes I'll be up on that stage. 

"And now, I call Professor Laufeyson to present for the Natural Sciences department." There was a short applause before said man walked on stage.

"Good evening ladies and gentlemen. It is my absolute pleasure to be here to honour the students who have not only achieved greatness, but who aspire to change the world."

I don't hear anything else as my palms sweat like crazy. Two students have already collected their awards for their respective courses and I was dreading my turn.

Then he said my name and I was frozen in place. I couldn't move as I blinked and bit my lip. My legs were shaking and I couldn't see anything. Until a shout pulled me out of my shock.

"Yeah get it girl!" It was Sam who had evaded the guards and made it to the side of the stage. I covered my face with my hands and shook my head. A rush of confidence surged through me as I stood and walked onto the stage. Loki locked eyes with me and nodded in reassurance and I shook hands with him. I turned to the front for the picture that would be taken and my eyes instantly fell on Bucky in the crowd. He was already looking at me. Dot was talking his ear off on his right as he held my gaze. I smiled for the picture and kept my composure as I walked back to my seat. 

* * *

"You certainly are an excitable fellow aren't you." Peggy, Steve and I all laugh as Sam shook his head at Loki's comment. 

"If I wanna shout I'll shout. Those guards are lucky I didn't put up a fight."

"I still can't believe they escorted you out of the room." Peggy took a sip of her drink.

"Yeah for a good chunk of the ceremony too. Gave me a whole speech on proper manners and whatever. I tried to tell them that my best friend needed some encouragement but they wouldn't hear it." Sam took a bite of the chicken fillet on his plate and Dot rolled her eyes.

"You have to admit, it wasn't very wise to do that. I know she's your friend and whatever but that kind of behaviour doesn't belong at these events. If Y/n wasn't brave enough to collect some award in front of a few hundred people then maybe she didn't deserve it." She poked at the steamed vegetables on her plate and Bucky inhaled loudly.

"I think it was very sweet of you, Sam." Peggy smiled at Sam and gave a scowled at Dot as she ignored her remark.

"I agree. Both of you ladies deserve all the kudos for your work."

Peggy and I thanked the other Brit, Loki as everyone got back to their meals. We then got to talking about school and our teachers and Loki joined in when we complained about some of the professors. Bucky laughed when we started joking about the food served in the school's cafeteria and Professor Pierce's addiction to milk despite being lactose intolerant. The table was surrounded in laughter as Sam made jokes about everything. 

"That's what the dude gets for always picking on my man Bucky." 

"He spent what an hour in the bathroom? Cancelled class the next day." Steve shook his head as he remembered the moment.

"I have to say I think he deserved it as well. He's one of the rudest people I've ever met. I keep reminding myself, two more months and he'll be retired." I raised my brows as I looked at Loki who said it in a matter of fact way. 

"Are you guys taking about Alexander Pierce? He and daddy are friends." Dot folded her arms and scowled. 

"Well no offense but your daddy is friends with a dick." Sam tilted his head and glared right back at her.

I couldn't help the bubble of laughter that escaped my lips. What Dot said next made the whole table go quiet.

"What are _you_ laughing at? You shouldn't even be here. I'm pretty sure the only reason you got that award is because you're sucking off Professor Whatever over here." She tilted her head towards Loki, who suddenly held my hand under the table. I pulled away slowly and excused myself quietly.

I prayed that no one followed me as I tried to hold in the tears before I got to wherever my feet was taking me. It felt like high school all over again, with mean girls and jerky guys. My stomach was in knots and my vision was blurry. When I finally looked up I found myself in front of the doors that lead to the hotel's pool. I pushed them open and took in the cool breeze that washed over me. I walked along the side of the pool and kept my focus on the calm water. I took a seat on one of the chairs on the deck and burrowed my face into my hands. I cursed myself for running out of there like a little girl. I wished that I was stronger. That I stood up to her and held my ground.

"Come on, Y/n. Why can't you just stand up for yourself."

"I was just wondering the same, darling."

I didn't turn around. I knew who it was. I sighed and looked at the water once more.

"Is there something wrong with me? Why do I seem to attract people who only hurt me."

"Who do you speak of darling?"

"Just when I thought I left behind all the jerks in high school, I meet them here. Mean girls and stupid boys. "

"I take it you're referring to James."

I turned and looked at him.

"I've seen the way he looks at you. Clearly he made the wrong decision."

"Have you seen her? That's what boys like. I'm nothing like her.."

"No. You aren't. But that's because you were made for a man."

He walked over to where I sat and took his place next to me on the lounge chair.

"You're more of a woman than she'll ever be. These frat boys may not see that, but the right man will. It all comes down to _you_ darling, and what _you_ desire." He joined me in my gaze at the water.

"I guess...if I had a choice, I'd just prefer a guy that knows what he wants and isn't afraid to go after it no matter what."

"In that case..." He turned to me and leaned in until I felt his breath on my lips. Suddenly, my heart couldn't control its rhythm.

He raised a hand to my chin and ran his thumb along my lower lip.

"If I told you what I wanted, and I was prepared to chase after it, would you run from me?"

"I...I um...." I swallowed hard as my knees trembled. 

The next time he spoke, it was barely above a whisper. 

"Because you'd be the prey, darling."

I closed my eyes and waited for something that didn't happen. 

"We should get back. I'm prepared to bid them farewell and take you home if you like."

I tried to hide my disappointment and nodded.

He placed a hand on my cheek and planted his cold lips on my forehead.

"I'd like for us to be alone for a while. That is, if you want that as well."

I couldn't hide the smile that took over my face as I agreed and we headed back to the table. 

-

When we got back, Sam was gone along with Bucky and Dot. Steve and Peggy couldn't stop apologising for what happened and I reassured them that it wasn't their fault. I asked about Sam's whereabouts and they said he left to find me and he tried to call but I forgot my bag which held my phone at the table and he took it with him. Before I could inquire about Bucky and Dot, Sam walked into the room and headed straight for me. He enveloped me into a big hug and mumbled about how rude Dot was and that if he wasn't the gentleman _he_ was she would be the subject of a few snide remarks herself.

"I hope Bucky dumps her a*s before the night is over. I better not see that girl again." His phone dinged and he pulled it out of his pocket.

"Shoot, I forgot I was supposed to hang out with Maria tonight." He looked at me and I instantly knew what he was thinking. 

"Don't cancel on her on my account. I'll be fine, Sam. Really. Go." He gave me my bag along with one last hug and said goodbye to everyone before leaving. 

"I'm afraid we're leaving as well." Loki shook hands with Steve and Peggy who stood up.

"Are you sure?" Steve asked.

"Yeah I've had enough entertainment for one night." Peggy hugged me and asked if I was going to be okay and I reassured her as I bid farewell to her and Steve. 

-

On the walk back to my dorm, Loki held my hand. 

"I'm serious about what I said. I'd like it very much if you agreed to go out with me."

"We're already out, aren't we?" He chuckled at that.

"That is correct, but I'd like to take you on a proper date."

"I'd like that...but won't you get into trouble?"

Realization flashed in his eyes as he understood what I meant.

"Don't worry, darling. We have one more class together before you receive the maximum number of credits allowed for this course for the year. We shall be free to do as we please then."

"So we have to wait four days then."

"Yes, but it'll be worth it." We came to a stop at the gate and he turned towards me.

"I enjoyed our time tonight. And I'm truly sorry for what that horrid girl said. She had no business speaking to you like that."

"The world will never be in shortage of bullies." I laughed.

"Unfortunately. But then there are people like you, Y/n."

His gaze was unwavering and I lost myself in the blues of his orbs.

"In a few days time I'll know what it's like. For now, I shall long for the moment."

"For what moment?" Our voices were quiet whispers in the cool breeze.

"The quiet one I can spend with you away from everyone and everything. Goodnight, darling. I wish you but sweet dreams."

"Goodnight, Loki."

My steps were light as I made my way up to my dorm. Loki was there even when I pulled the curtain for one last goodbye. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky makes a decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reader's profile picture is a corny science cat joke.

**_Him_**

I felt like I was stalking her. If she went to the café, if she went to the library, my feet automatically took me to where she was. I didn't mind. I could look at her all day. After convincing myself that I had to stay away, it was pretty easy to admit that while I was no longer going to pursue her, it didn't also mean I couldn't admire her from afar. I was pretty sure that after the way I acted and spoke to her, she wouldn't want anything to do with me. That made it easier to do what I was doing, which in itself was actually very creepy, but I didn't care. Plus, this way, I could protect her from anyone who had bad intentions. 

Speaking of bad intentions. I frowned as I watched her talk to Loki. Why did he stop her? Thankfully, she cut their session short and rushed out of the class. Before I could see where she was going, I get a call. Number unknown.

"Hello?" I grunted.

"James...it's me." I held my breath as I heard a voice I never thought I would hear again.

"Dot?"

"Yeah...listen. I'm at Stark U with my dad who has some business to attend to. I was wondering, would you wanna meet somewhere? Maybe get a cup of coffee and catch up?"

Although I thought about it before, I didn't really wanna see her. But maybe it would be better if I did.

"Uh yeah. I would like that."

"Great. Meet me at the school's front office."

"See you then."

I couldn't believe what I just heard. She was supposed to be in Paris, or Rome or some other European country. That's why she left anyway. If I was being honest with myself, things were bad between us before she did. We were in love...or at least we thought we were? Then my parents died and I knew I changed but, she couldn't handle it. It was like all the crap from that year molded me into someone I never thought I'd be. I wasn't the life of the party anymore, the guy who would do keg stands and pull pranks on teachers. I was Bucky. The guy that was broken beyond repair. I couldn't handle her trying to fix me and Dot was the kind of girl that always got her way. 

I pulled myself out of my thoughts before making my way to the front office. There she was. She was different. Showed way more skin and way less teeth. On seeing me, she walked up to me and pulled me into a tight hug.

"James. I'm so happy to be here."

"It's good to see you."

"So, where are you taking me?"

I was at a loss for words until the one famous place came into mind.

"I know just the place."

-

Dot hung onto me all the way to Happy's before I moved out of her hold to open the door. 

"I'm glad you called, Dot. I've wanted to talk to you since...well you know." 

"It's okay, James. I understand. I was hurting too, but you needed to grieve. I just wish you focused on us more. It's a shame you let it go to waste." 

I thought about what she said. She had a way of making everything about her. She was the complete opposite of Y/n. I smiled as I thought of her. Dot interrupted my thoughts by pulling me to the counter.

"Gosh, do they have anything that's not packed with meat and sugar?" Dot scoffed as she scanned the menu. So much for her trying the famous cheeseburger.

"Hey, Matt." I greeted the cashier who I've come to know and apologised for Dot with my eyes.

"I'll just have a coffee then. Shoot, I forgot my purse in daddy's car. You'll get it won't you, James?"

I nodded as I ordered the drinks and a double cheese and paid Matt. After getting everything I looked around the room for empty seats. Then, my eyes locked on the orbs of the girl that refused to leave my thoughts. Y/n.

She gave me a slight wave and I was frozen in place. After everything, she's still being nice to me. It almost made me smile, before I could wave back, I realised what this must look like to her and I clenched my fists. Dot wrapped an arm around mine and scowled at Y/n. 

"Do you know her." I swallowed.

"No." Of course the last table available was right in front of her. Dot looked at me expectantly and I pulled out her chair.

Before I could get anymore words in, Y/n is up and out the door. I looked at her retreating form as Dot went on about how many calories I was consuming. I tried to listen to her but a man can only take so much nagging. Then she said something that made me want to listen to what she had to say.

"Daddy wants me to go to the awards ceremony tonight. I got you an invite. I didn't say anything before but I set up an appointment for you with daddy's stylist. It's in an hour."

"Oh..un thanks." I tried to look grateful as I ate my burger. Thankfully she spent the entire hour bragging about all the places she's been too and all the boys she's been with. It gave me time to think. Y/n was going to be there. I declined Steve's offer when he asked if I wanted to go because I didn't wanna see her, but obviously fate decided that I should be there. 

Soon it was time to leave and Dot dragged me to her and her father's hotel suite to get ready for the awards.

* * *

I stared at myself in the mirror. I still couldn't believe that a*shole cut my hair. I had to stop myself from punching him when I saw what he did. And Dot, pretending like she didn't arrange the whole thing. I tried to keep my calm as I looked at my new do. My cellphone then rang and I knew it was Dot calling to tell me to hurry up. I sighed and walked out of the bathroom. 

When we walked into the room, it was packed. Everyone was wearing their finest everything. But there was one person amongst the crowd that caught my eye. Y/n looked like a dream. She was always beautiful but tonight, tonight she dulled the stars. She was smiling at something Steve said and my feet instantly took me to her. Dot protested but I managed to convince her to come along. On the way I caught Sam's eye who was trying to sneak one of the appetizers on the refreshment table.

"Buck nasty that you? Have to say the new do looks good. And I'm guessing this is...Dot? I've heard a lot about you."

Sam offered her his hand but she ignored it.

"Well uh I'm Sam. Nice to meet you." 

She nodded. "Likewise." 

"I was heading over to see Y/n and Steve, you guys comin'?" 

-

"We haven't met, I'm Dot. Who are you?" I hated the way she said it. She was really starting to piss me off. I glared at her for a moment before Steve spoke.

"This is Y/n. She's receiving an award tonight. Congratulations by the way. The school published your paper in their newsletter and it was nothing short of amazing." He patted her on the shoulder and Sam threw an arm around her.

"That's my girl!" 

"Oh, so you're dating her or something?" The idea of someone else dating Y/n made me throw up, but Dot had no right to behave like she was. All I could think about was getting her away from Y/n before she could hurt her more.

"Oh no, she's like my little sister. We were best friends back in the day before she had to move away. But the gang is back together now." Sam turned to her and smiled.

"I thought you didn't know her." Dot was glaring at me now and she tightened her grip on my arm.

"I don't." I could see the hurt in Y/n's eyes, but I didn't want to give Dot anymore reason to be mean to her. I pulled her away from everyone especially before Peggy could join and give Dot another reason to be rude.

"Why don't we find our seats." She smiled and sauntered over to a couple of seats in the back.

"I had to beg daddy to let me sit in the back. Those stage lights really hurt my eyes.

I tried to pay attention when the ceremony started, but Dot wouldn't stop yapping. She made rude comments about Steve and Sam's behaviour when Peggy was called and rolled her eyes when it was Y/n's turn.

She didn't walk up right away, and I shifted in my seat a little. I wanted to go to her, to tell her it was okay. But Sam being the great guy he is needed no help in giving her a little support. Y/n walked onto the stage and over to Loki. She looked like a goddess. I could have sworn she was looking right at me when she accepted the award, but then she smiled for the cameras and hurried offstage. 

* * *

Loki made small talk with the group at our table in the dining room. All I could do was stare at Y/n. I tried to hide my stares when I caught Loki's eyes on me, but I couldn't help it. As if on cue, Dot made another rude remark and I sighed, hoping everyone would just forget she was even there.

Thankfully Sam brought up Professor Pierce and his diarrhea episode and it had everyone in stitches.

"That's what the dude gets for always picking on my man Bucky." 

"He spent what an hour in the bathroom? Cancelled class the next day." Steve shook his head and Sam laughed. Then, Loki joined in.

"I have to say I think he deserved it as well. He's one of the rudest people I've ever met. I keep reminding myself, two more months and he'll be retired." Maybe this guy isn't so bad after all. 

"Are you guys talking about Alexander Pierce? He and daddy are friends." Dot looked pissed and I couldn't help but smile a little on the inside. Angry was a good look on her.

"Well no offense but your daddy is friends with a dick." Sam's honesty was refreshing but I just hoped that it wouldn't lead to someone saying something they regret.

I tensed as Yn laughed at Sam's comment and silently prayed that Dot wouldn't say anything. But of course she did.

"What are _you_ laughing at? You shouldn't even be here. I'm pretty sure the only reason you got that award is because you're sucking off Professor Whatever over here." She motioned to Loki, who looked appalled. I watched as Y/n excused herself and sped out of the room. I couldn't take it anymore. Y/n wasn't that kind of girl and Dot was always one to take her insecurities out on others, but I'm done putting up with her behaviour. 

"Dot, I need to speak with you."

"Why? I'm fine right he-"

"Get. Up." I didn't waver, I held my ground and walked out of the room when she agreed to follow me.

As soon as we entered the hallway I went off on her.

"I never want to see you again." 

"James, what are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about how you're ten times the b*tch you were in high school. Where do you get off on being rude to someone like Y/n? She's not the girl you hurt!"

"Don't tell me you actually like her? James, she doesn't belong here. She-"

"Shut the hell up! Just shut up! I don't want to hear another word. I don't know what I expected when I agreed to meet you today, but now I'm sure. I'm sure that us breaking up wasn't a mistake and I'm sure that I never want to see your face again."

She was quiet. I slowly approached her and raised my finger.

"And if you so much as look at Y/n again for the reminder of your stay here, you'll regret it."

"What are _you_ going to do? You can't touch me." 

"I won't do anything, but I'm pretty sure your father might. Does _daddy_ know about those pics you posted online? See the thing is, you can delete them, but they have ways of showing up again."

"You wouldn't."

"Try me." She flared her nostrils and shook her head,

"Well at least we agree on something. I never want to see you again either. Goodbye, James."

I didn't bother to watch her walk away, all I thought of was finding Y/n. 

-

After checking every place I could think of, I ran outside to the parking lot, hoping she hadn't gone home. As I tried to catch my breath, I spotted a shadow behind the shrubs along the fence that separated the lot from the hotel pool. I peered through the fence and I see Y/n holding her head in her hands. I tried to find an attached gate, but no luck. I rushed to the reception area and looked at the map. What's the point of a huge a*s hotel if you can't find anything. I finally figured out how to get to the pool area and ran as fast as I could. 

After a couple of minutes, I spotted the sliding doors that would lead me to where I wanted to go. As I put my hand on the door, my eyes fell on Loki. He was sat next to Y/n on a lounge chair. I felt my stomach drop. I slowly retreat from the scene and turn to head back to the parking lot. As I pulled out my phone to call a cab, I hoped that Loki would comfort her better than I ever could and wished for something that I knew wasn't going to happen. 

-

I collapsed onto my bed after a long shower. I couldn't get ahold of Sam, but after apologising to Steve over the phone and reassuring him that Dot wouldn't be anyone's problem anymore, my mind was at ease. Well...not completely. I couldn't stop thinking about her. Before I could stop myself I pulled out my phone and sent her a message. I thanked God that she bothered to reply. 

I smiled as I bid her goodnight. For the first time in my life, i felt like I was doing something right. I closed my eyes knowing that I would sleep soundly. 


	7. Chapter 7

**_Her_**

Three months later.

I turned away just in time for him to make contact with my cheek. He sighed.

"This is our 15th date darling. I don't mean to rush you but, when are you going to let me kiss you?"

I don't know what I thought would happen when I started going out with Loki, but it definitely wasn't this. Things had been...well for the most part difficult. We were polar opposites. And not just in the little things, it was the important things. The things that create the basis for your very being. The things that determine where you see yourself and your life going. At first he had a special charm. He was polite and considerate. Then, he wasn't. It was like his mask came off within a couple of weeks and before I knew it, he was someone else entirely. And it wasn't his fault at all. I allowed myself to change the way I saw him...all while thinking of someone else. A dark cloud was looming over us threatening to pour open since then. I found myself wanting to end things, but scared of what would happen. If I was being completely honest, all I thought of was Bucky. How much I wish things ended differently that night. How much I wish he got to me first. How much I wish he wanted to kiss me.

"I'm just not ready ok? Not yet." I looked down at my shoes outside of the restaurant we just had dinner at. Loki frowned and sighed in the cold night air. 

"When do you think you'll be ready then?"

And it wasn't fair to Loki. It wasn't and I knew it. 

"I...I don't know." I shifted where I stood.

"Well, maybe this will help speed things up. I have something to tell you...I-"

Thankfully, my phone starts ringing and I answer it as soon as I feel the buzz.

"Hello?" 

"Hey doll, it's me."

"Oh hey. What's up." I turned away from Loki and looked at the neon sign for the bar across the street.

"My arm's actin' up again. Can you come over?" 

"Yeah. I'll be there in a few."

"Thanks, doll. See you then."

"Bye."

Loki pursed his lips. "Let me guess. James."

I nodded and gave him a tight smile.

"You're leaving. Now?" He flared his nostrils.

"He needs help with his arm. Steve and Sam are gonna for the holidays and I'm the only other person that knows what to do."

"You've got to be kidding me." He raised his hands and let them drop back down at his sides.

"What do you mean?" I silently prayed that things wouldn't escalate like they had last week when I accidentally broke his favourite mug.

"Everytime he calls you go running over like a dog."

"He needs my help."

"Yeah and I bet you want to do more than just help don't you?"

"What?"

"Is that why you won't kiss me? Because you're busy screwing that one armed neanderthal?"

"Take that back."

"Just go, Y/n."

"I-"

"Go!" 

I turned quickly and hurried down the street to Bucky's apartment. Loki's screams didn't hurt anymore. They were just as expected. If a day went by without him screaming at me, it was a rare one. Part of me felt like I deserved it. Like I should be yelled at, kicked, punched something for what I was doing. Was it the comfort? Did I see something safe in being with Loki? Did I want to take the easy way out? I had no more time to question myself as I got to the building. A couple of minutes later, I was at his door. Apartment 304. I knocked lightly and waited.

When he opened the door it was like I saw the sun for the first time. A day without him and I was already aching for his presence, his smile, the way he would chew his chips a little too loudly. I missed him. But he was here now and I couldn't help the rise of my lips as I entered his apartment. 

"There she is." He flopped down onto the right side of the couch and I joined him.

"So...what's wrong?"

"It's doin' that thing again. That weird schreechy thing." I nodded and reached for the screwdriver which was in the toolbox that Bucky had already placed on the coffee table. 

"You look beautiful by the way." I knew he was looking at me. It wasn't uncomfortable. 

"Thanks.." I proceeded to open up the little compartment on the inside of his wrist.

"Date with Loki?" His lifted his arm up for me to get a better look inside.

"Yeah." I reattached a few wires and tested out the gear switch.

"You guys eat at Sakaar again?" He had a knowing smirk on his face. I tried to keep my focus on his arm as I answered him.

"Yeah."

"Did you have fun at least?" He knew the answer. I hated that he wanted to see if I would sugarcoat it. 

"Yeah. I did." I hoped he wouldn't ask the next question, but I knew it was coming.

"He yell at you again?" I closed my eyes as I tightened the bolt.

"Yeah. He did." I felt his finger pass over the area under my cheek. I didn't even realize I was crying.

"Y/n...this has to stop." I put away the tools and nodded my head.

"I know."

"No, I don't think you do. You know how hard it is to see that look in your eyes? It's there every f**king day! That time I walked in on him screaming at you, you know how much I wanted to walk up to him and punch him in the face? And you lied to me, I knew it wasn't the first time he did it. And this time he made you _cry_? What did he say to you?"

Bucky paced the room while he held his hair in both hands. When I didn't reply right away, he sat next to me and tangled his left hand with mine.

"Y/n...please."

"He got angry that I always come running when you call and he...he accused me of cheating." I sighed and brought my knees up to my chest.

"He's angry that you're spending time with your friend? He's such a dick. And I can't believe he thinks you would do something like that." 

He shook his head and clenched his fists.

"That's just it.." my voice is muffled from where my head rested between my knees.

"What' ya say, doll?"

"I am.."

Bucky gaped at me. "No...doll you won't do that..."

"I am Bucky!" I lifted my head up and flew up from the couch. 

"I might as well be. Everytime he hugs me or walks me to my dorm, I think of _you_! Everytime I get a text I'm hoping it's you! Everytime he takes me to that stupid restaurant I'm thinking of doing that with you! Don't you see? I deserve this. What I'm doing it's...it's not right...I deserve to be screamed at...I deserve to be insulted..I...I'm not the girl you think I am..."

"Y/n...do-"Before he could say another word I grabbed my purse.

"I have to go. I'm sorry." I left apartment 304 and didn't look back.

I couldn't look back. I wasn't pure, I wasn't good. I was the complete opposite. Leading Loki on and wanting Bucky...I didn't know who I was anymore. 

When I got back to my dorm, to add to the rain of terror I found a notice stuck to the door. I had a week to clear out my things. I cursed myself for taking those extra classes. I racked my brain trying to think of where I could stay. My parents were too far away, Sam wasn't here and I sure as hell wasn't going to ask Loki for help. I shut my brain off and unlocked the door. I trudged to my bedroom and crashed on the mattress. It was stupid leaving all my problems for tomorrow, but for tonight in my dreams, everything would be okay. 


	8. Chapter 8

When I woke up the next day, there was a text from Loki. Four words.

_We need to talk._

I sighed and took my time getting ready. After showering, I threw on a t shirt and some old jeans. I made my way to the one place he always seemed to be. The library. I walked in and spotted him in the corner, where he always was.

"Hi." I knew he wasn't going to apologize. He never did.

"Hi." I sat down on the seat opposite his and scratched my head.

"I'm leaving." There was no emotion to it, plain and simple. I'm leaving. It didn't hurt. It didn't leave a wound. It lifted a weight that was on my chest for the better part of three months. 

"Leaving?"

"I received a job offer at Bridge University back home. They want me to start right away. That's what I've been wanting to tell you for the past 3 weeks. But I never got the chance. They needed a decision yesterday. And...well I took the job." He looked down at the wooden table and cleared his throat. I wondered if he was waiting for me to say something. I didn't.

"Look, darling...yesterday confirmed my resolve. I know you're not cheating and I know you never meant for this to go how it went but, I also know that your heart isn't in this. What I feel for you...I can't be with you knowing that you're not fully there. Do you understand?"

"I'm sorry, Loki. I didn't mean to hurt you." I meant it and I hoped he could see that.

"Don't apologise. You're the one who deserves an apology. I screamed at you, insulted you, I accused you of such terrible things...we don't fit. I think I knew who your heart belonged to in the beginning, and I didn't deal with it like I should have. I'm sorry for everything. I truly am. I needed you to know that before I left."

"I should have told you no, right? Just end it there before it even began. Save us from all the hurt and pain?"

"While we may not have liked what happened, I don't think all of it was bad...at least now, you're sure. Aren't you?" I knew what he meant. And he was right.

"I am." I smiled a little and bit my lip.

"Then it was a good thing. I have to leave now, my plane leaves in a few hours."

He stood up and came over to my side of the table. I stood up and looked up at him. I wrapped my arms around him and didn't let go until I said what I had to say.

"Thank you, Loki...for everything. It meant the world to me...and I'm really happy for you." It was the truth. I realised it then and there.

"You're welcome, darling. I wish you all the best with him. And if he ever screams at you, I'll be sure to hop on a plane and set him straight." He laughed and I laughed along with him.

"Goodbye, Loki." 

"Goodbye, Y/n."

* * *

I walked back to my dorm and put my head in my hands. What happened between Loki and me was a good thing. It took months of strain and him leaving to see that, but I do now. And that's all that matters. I looked at my phone and tried to ignore the 5 missed calls and 6 messages from Bucky. I didn't bother to read them as I started packing up my dorm. It would take at least 3 days to get everything ready. I still didn't know where I would go. My parents agreed on letting me stay all through the year as long as I registered in the school's overnight program. It was a way for students who couldn't go back home to stay on campus for the holidays, as long as they agreed to care for the dorms on their floor. It wasn't cheap, but my parents were all up for it. Me being the responsible adult that I am forgot to even speak to my advisor. I never expected to take so many classes and miss the deadline date though. Lucky me. 

Before I knew it the entire day had passed. I was about halfway done. I was happy it would be over earlier than I expected. I piled the boxes by the door and sat on the couch. I put on a random show on Netflix and before I knew it, I passed out. 

I woke up to my phone blaring in my ear. I looked at the time on the clock. 3:07 am. I answered the phone wondering who it would be at that hour. 

"Hello."

" _Hello dear, how are you_."

"Mom, it's 3 am here."

" _Oh, I'm sorry I forgot about the time difference Haha. Say hi to your father_."

I heard my father in the background " _Y/n, how's my girl? And how's that boyfriend of yours. He better not be tryin' anything."_

My mom spoke again, " _Yeah how is he_?"

"He's fine, mom. We're actually not together anymore." I rubbed my eyes and sat up.

_"I didn't say anything before dear, but I knew that things weren't going to end well. He was your teacher after all."_

"Mom, he wasn't my teacher. He just taught a few classes I went to for extra credit."

" _Oh, right I forgot. What happened between you two?"_

"He's leaving. He got a job offer back where he's from."

" _Oh, I'm sorry honey. How are you holding up?_

"I'm okay. We were never really that serious."

" _Well alright, then. You know your father and I trust you_."

"I know."

" _Speaking of which, did you register for the overnight program?_ "

"Um...I actually kind of forgot.. 

_"You forgot? Honey where are you going to live for the next 3 weeks_?

"They gave me a week to pack my things."

" _That doesn't change anything, Y/n."_

I guess she had me on speaker, because my father's voice was loud and clear. I could tell he was mad.

 _"I can't believe you honey. We agreed that y-_ "

"I'm staying at Sam's. Remember how I told you Sam goes to this school?

" _Yes honey, he actually told us about your award before you did_."

"You guys talk? Now I regret giving him your number...anyway. I'm staying at his apartment so I'll be fine."

" _Oh that's great sweetie. I'm glad you'll have your frend to keep you company_ "

"He actually went back home. He invited me but I had classes at the time and it just wasn't gonna work out.

" _So you'll be there on your own?"_

I was already lying so what was the harm.

"Uhh yeah. He said it was okay."

" _Alright sweetie, well your father and I have to go now. We're going out to dinner_."

I smiled. I was happy my parents were enjoying themselves. Before college, they would always fuss over me and never want to leave me at home by myself. I knew it was because I was their only child, but I still felt responsible for them never having a night out. I was glad they could finally have their fun. 

"I hope you guys have a good time. Bye."

" _Bye, honey._ "they both called into the phone, then hung up.

I closed my eyes and scratched my head. Then I jumped up. I had to call Sam.

Sam was mad. But not because I told my parents I would be staying at his apartment. He was mad that I didn't come to him sooner and explain the situation. He said I was more than welcome to stay at his place and that he'd organize a van with one of his buddies to come get my things. I smiled and thanked him before laying back down on the couch relieved that everything was sorted. All that changed when I remembered one person. Bucky.


	9. Chapter 9

I emptied the large box of pots and pans in the mahogany cabinet. When Sam's friend with the truck, Riley, showed up, I hadn't expected to see Bucky in the passenger seat. After the necessary introductions, a small hey was exchanged between us and nothing more. In no more than 30 minutes, everything was packed and in the red pickup. I sat between the two heavily muscled men and tried to keep my breathing even for the ride. I tried to ignore the emerging heat I felt as Bucky's thick metal hand brushed my thigh as the truck passed over a hump. He cleared his throat and looked out the window, I bit my lip and looked at him. His hair was starting to grow back. It was at a length where you could get a good tug at it while...I was pulled out of my thoughts when we pulled into the parking lot of the building.

It was a bit of a struggle to fit my cookware in with the others. I had wrongfully assumed that Steve and Bucky weren't big fans of cooking like I knew Sam was. Despite being over here a couple of times, I hadn't stayed for more than a few minutes of a coffee with them between classes and projects. So I couldn't help my surprise on seeing skillets, stock pots, griddles, sauce pans and other types of beautifully crafted stainless steel items. I was impressed to say the least. Riley helped as much as he could before he had to leave. I expressed my gratitude in the best way I could and he insisted that there was no charge, Sam was a friend. And since he was mine, I was too. He exchanged goodbyes with Bucky and left in his red pickup. 

The silence wasn't deafening. Bucky and I moved in sync. He would empty a box, I would sort and we'd pack books, utensils, and other things away. He made sure to keep them separate from the others in their respective places so as to avoid confusion later on when the couple of weeks were over. He guided me wordlessly through the somewhat large apartment while we unpacked everything. Soon enough I knew where everything was. When the last box was emptied and the load was carried down to recycling, Bucky and I sat on the royal blue carpet slumped against the pewter three cushioned sofa. I closed my eyes for a couple minutes, then felt a gentle tap on my knee. 

"Pizza?" I nodded and smiled gratefully. He lifted his heavy body off the floor and rolled his neck. I watched as he stretched his thick arms above his head. He rolled his shoulder back and let out a sinful moan. I prayed that he wouldn't look at me as he tried to ease some of the tension in his bones. He didn't. I thanked God. He walked over to the phone and dialed a number. I lifted my arm to the couch and cradled my head in my hand. This was going to be a long night. 

On my fourth slice, I almost choked on a bite as Buffy kept rambling despite being beheaded a second ago. When Bucky suggested Scary Movie I couldn't resist. Nothing was better than a cheesy parody and cheesy comfort food. I looked at him as he laughed, pizza forgotten. It was low and I felt it in my bones. He picked up his sixth slice and took a huge bite. A bit of tomato sauce trickled down the right side of his mouth. His tongue emerged and ran down the line of red and back into his mouth. It was slow and it started a fire in my core. I'd had urges in my teen years. Some I dealt with in the dead of the night by myself in my bed, some I ignored and powered through, but I had never felt this way about someone else so strongly. 

I was no longer focused on the movie. Everything melded into him. The way his blue eyes shone in the dim light radiating from the TV, the bulge of his biceps everytime he raised the slice to his mouth, the way the metal of his left hand glinted. I was in trouble. Hard, hot and heavy trouble. I didn't expect him to turn my way. To look at me. For a moment, I thought I was caught. Then he spoke and I breathed a sigh of relief.

"I know, I know. I'm a big guy and I really love pizza. Sue me."

I furrowed my brows, then realization spread across my face. He was on his 7th slice now. I couldn't blame him. It was good pizza, but I also couldn't stomach more than the four and a half slices I already ate. I smiled.

"I'm more impressed than appalled, Barnes."

"Oh, we're using formalities now? I thought we were friends Y/l/n."

I laughed. He laughed with me. A few seconds passed and the heat that once took over my being had subsided.

"Thanks...for letting me stay here."

"Hey, you're a friend. I just wish you'd told me about it sooner. Hearing about it from Sam was like a punch to my gut. Couldn't have my best girl out on the streets."

I couldn't help the grin that took over my mouth on hearing those words.

"Best girl?" A light blush painted his chiseled cheeks, and he scratched the back of his head.

"It's somethin' my old man would say to my mom. When I was 7 I thought it was gross how much they loved eachother but, now I...that's something I want. What they had."

I searched his eyes. There was nothing but longing screaming at me from the rich blue. I laid my hand on his. 

"I'm really sorry about what happened." He gave a tentative smile and nodded.

"Yeah. Me too. Sometimes..I feel like it's my fault you know?"

"Why?" I leaned closer to him curiously as he propped his metal arm on his knee.

"I sneaked outta the house that night. Went to Dot's house for this end of year party. I was grounded for- I don't even remember what. I just remembered being angry at them. I thought they were treating me like a little kid, so I went out. Couple hours later, my phone's goin' off like crazy. I remember thinking there was an earthquake."

He laughed then, but there was no joy behind the sound. Only regret.

"Then again you're nothin' but stupid when you're drunk. They end up callin' Steve who, being the golden retriever that he is, told them the truth. He doesn't talk about it, but I know he still thinks I'm a little mad at him for that. How could I be? He was just lookin' out for me. Meanwhile I'm piss-faced down on the sofa. Then I feel somebody drag me off and I hear a car door close. I hear my ma saying my name and how disappointed she was. Then, I could barely make out her scream. I was way too out of it to see the plates of the idiot that ran the red light. When I woke up, I had a killer headache and my arm was jacked up. Steve was with me in the room. I could tell he didn't sleep the whole night. I could tell there was somethin' he wanted to say. I could tell he was crying, but I couldn't tell that they were gone. They got in the car, for me. It's _my_ fault. I killed them."

He whispered it over and over again. Head in his arms. Tears on his cheeks. I pulled him into me and wrapped my arms around him.

"It's not your fault, Buck. You didn't hurt anyone. Whoever ran that red light did. It's not your fault." Maybe my words meant something, maybe they didn't. I was sure he'd heard it through the years from therapists, teachers, friends. No one could save him. That was something he had to do himself. It wouldn't stop me from being there though. It never would. 

* * *

I felt a warmth enveloping my entire body from wherever I lay. I snuggled closer to the heat source and laid my palm along the warm, sturdy surface. I hummed in bliss as I pulled my legs up to gain some of the warmth that I was currently blessed with. I was teetering on the edge of sleep and consciousness when I felt a hard length prop up against my leg. I blinked and through the blur and fog I made out the figure of the man with whom I shared a temporary living space. His blue eyes were wide and focused down. In a haze, I followed his gaze and I was pulled out of sleep mode abruptly. He was...his...I jumped out of his arms and took a few steps back. My ankle came into contact with the leg of the coffee table and I groaned in pain. I hopped on the other leg as I tried to cradle my throbbing ankle. Bucky stood up in a flash and his head collided with mine. He cursed and I fell backward as I howled at the onset of another ache. 

"Doll, are you ok?" He rubbed his forehead and came over to where I was sprawled out on the carpet. I punched the soft material under my fingers and tried to ignore the now subtle prickling in my head and ankle. 

I managed a, "Yeah. I'm good," before he lifted me off the floor and sat me down on the couch. 

"I hope that's not gonna be a regular thing." He motioned to his head, then mine.

"Trust me, I do too..." I couldn't help the way my eyes immediately zoomed in on his crotch. He was still...visible and I shivered. 

"Oh...I'm sorry about that...you were kinda straddling me and I-"

"It's okay. Really. I study biology I'm a big girl. I can handle a little arousal."

"Ain't nothin' little 'bout this arousal sweetheart." He dared a wink. And I dared biting my lip. Before anything else could happen he was up and in the fridge.

"So, bacon, eggs, toast? Whaddaya say, doll?"

"Sure thing, but I'm helping you." Bucky wasn't able to protest as I already pulled out the eggs and started preparing them for omelettes. He diced tomatoes, I fried the bacon, he buttered the toast and we soon filled ourselves for breakfast. We paired up again to do the dishes and found ourselves in an all out soap war. I should have known what he was thinking when he put too much dish soap in the bowl that once held a heavenly mix off eggs, tomatoes, peppers and spices. He started with my hair, then I got him with his nose. He chased me around the island and captured me from behind. I felt him again, but amidst the fun, I ignored the ache in my stomach. He rubbed soap all over my face as his metal arm held me in place. I shouldn't have opened my mouth to yell in protest as the horrid taste of lime and chemicals exploded on my tastebuds. He laughed as I gagged and I managed to soak his shirt. 

A truce led to cleaning the slippery floor and counters. His shirt clung to his skin and my sweatpants were soaked. 

"You can shower first. You're gonna need to do a lot more cleaning."

"It's a good thing it was a soap war then, which I won by the way." 

"You're lucky it was just soap. Otherwise, I would've dominated you.

"Who's to say I wouldn't be into that." I walked out of the kitchen before I could see his reaction. I couldn't believe I said that.

Who was that cool and confident girl in there? I wondered as I ran my hands through my hair. It was easy with him. I could be myself. I was never judged or insulted. He listened and he accepted. He brought out the best in me and I was grateful to have him as a friend. I grabbed the cotton towel and took my time in ridding myself of the droplets of water that dotted my skin. I heard a knock at the door.

"Doll, you alright in there? Find everything ok?"

"Yeah I'm just finishing up."

As I dried the last of the droplets off, I remember I forgot to bring my clothes in. I cursed myself and wrapped the towel around my body. I prayed he went back to the living room as I opened the door slowly.

"Good thing you're done, this soap was starting to bur-" 

He stopped in his tracks. He ran his eyes down my body and smirked.

"Forget somethin'?"

I nodded and rolled my eyes, "Yeah I know. Dumb mistake. Um..where should I.." I gestured to the towel and he chuckled.

"You can use my room. I know Sam said you could sleep in his but I gotta change my sheets anyway and I'd prefer they get wet over his."

I furrowed my brows, then realised he meant my still dripping hair. He got my suitcase out of Sam's room and brought it out into the hallway. I thanked him and made my way to his room.

His room was full of neutral tones. Greys, black, whites. Everything was neat and in order. He had a pin up board with pictures of him, Sam and Steve laughing, having a drink, beating the books and a few of his childhood. There was only one of him and his parents though. They were sat on ivory porch steps framed by a beautiful patio. The rustic house extended above them and complemented their toothy grins. I smiled as I noticed the intertwined hands of his parents, and the comforting palm they both had on Bucky's shoulder. It wasn't his fault. I knew it and I hoped that one day he would know it too.

I changed quickly into a t-shirt and fresh sweatpants. Once again, there was a knock at the door. I pulled along the suitcase and pulled the door handle. My eyes met the toned abs and pecs that Bucky was currently showing off in just his shorts. 

"I'm kinda used to walking around here half naked but I'm gonna try my best to wear a shirt for the next two weeks." 

A laugh escaped my lips. "Well if it isn't too much of a challenge." 

He snorted and entered the room. I walked over to Sam's and put my suitcase back in the corner of the room.

I crashed onto the couch and looked through my phone. There was a message from Sam asking if I settled in ok and if Bucky was being a dick. One from my parents asking if I moved in yet and one from the room and board department confirming that I was registered for next semester on account of keeping the contract. I replied to the first two and was immediately relieved at the last. When I put my phone down, Bucky crashed onto the seat next to me. He put his left arm on the back rest and propped his head up as he turned to face me.

"So. What do you wanna do today? We could go out and I could show you around the city? I know you haven't had much time to explore yet so that's something. We could _also_ play a board game. We've got Scrabble, Monopoly and oh we have Uno too. But if you're not into those we could just stay in and watch movies. Up to you."

I smiled and matched his position on the couch. 

"All of those sound good, but let's do the first. I'd love to go exploring with you."

He smiled. "Then let's go, doll."


	10. Chapter 10

**_Him_ **

She reminded me of a fawn trying to get it's footing. It was adorable, but worry lay in the back of my mind of what could happen if she kept falling like this. After taking her to my favourite bakery and owning her in the arcade I frequented, I reluctantly agreed to take her to the rink after hearing she hadn't been before. I knew ice skating wouldn't be such a great idea...  
  
But then she was smiling. No matter how many times she tripped over her own feet, she kept smiling. She was the sun and she was beautiful.

"This is awesome. Not the falling part but...I mean we're literally on solid water right now. That's amazing isn't it?"

I laughed. "I never thought about it like that but yeah it is amazing. And maybe you'd stop falling if you'd just let me guide you. Up till now you've been glued to that railing so much I'd think you wanna make out with it."   
  
"Haha very funny. Trust me, I've almost got it."

She gripped onto the railing for dear life when she almost fell a sixth time, "Alright I think that's enough falling for one day."

"Wait, give me a chance to get this right. Please?"

Her eyes pleaded with me.

"Are you gonna let me help you this time?"

She nodded. 

"C'mon." 

-  
  
"Just hold tight. Look at my feet. You kick off with one foot like this, then follow with the other. But you have to bend your knees and lean forward a little."  
  
I glided on the ice slowly. Leaving light patterns in the solid mass.

Her breathing was laboured, and her hands were shaking. The complete opposite of how she was a few minutes ago. I tightened my grip on her waist and turned to her.

"Look at me. I've got you. I won't let you fall."

She blinked furiously and swallowed.

"Okay. One foot. Then the other." I watched as she copied my movements and we made slow progress.

"That's it doll. You're getting it."

We made it about 15 feet before she asked if she could try it on her own. I reluctantly let go of her waist slowly, and moved in front of her. I held out my arms to her like a worried parent as she started to move.  
  
"Whoa...I'm doing it!"

She grinned and started to move faster.

"Doll, wait you can't-"

Before I could finish my sentence, she sped straight past me and was headed for the metal railing. I sped after her and dodged my way through the families and couples and at the last second gripped the back of her navy coat, but the collision only pushed us further toward the railing. I wrapped my left arm around her front and prayed that it would take the force of the impact as I changed my footing to slow us down.

I sighed in relief when we stopped completely and the metal surface of my arm was just barely scratched. I tried to catch my breath as I closed my eyes.

"Wow...that..was...awesome! Talk about an adrenaline rush. I felt like I was flying I mean, I didn't mean to go so fast but before I knew it I was and then you were there and I-"

"What the hell, Y/n? Awesome? You could have gotten hurt or worse." I turned her toward me and secured her safely against the railing. She couldn't be serious. Who has a near death experience and calls it awesome? 

"Bucky I realise that and I'm sorry but-"

"But nothing! That was dangerous! I understand that it was an accident but it's not something you take lightly!"

Her eyes were wide and she leaned back a bit. I ran a hand through my hair and looked at the patterned ice below us.

"I'm sorry. I just...I can't stand the thought of you getting hurt. You could have broken your arm, or your leg or...I brought you out here. I'm supposed to keep you safe and that's what I'm going to do. I can't let you get hurt, Y/n. I can't let that happen again." It was out of my mouth before I had time to process it. I couldn't stomach it. I wanted to lock myself away and hide from the very idea of it. Before I could do just that, I felt a warm hand on my cheek.

Suddenly the air was colder than before. I licked my lips and opened my eyes slowly. 

"James, I'm here. Ok? Yes I understand that something could've gone wrong, but it didn't. I'm alright. You protected me. I'm ok because of you. I'm sorry I wasn't serious before, it happened so fast and I didn't realise how dangerous it was, but I do now. You _saved_ me. Thank you."

I didn't register the tears flowing from my eyes till she wiped them away. I wanted to reach out. To tell her how much those words meant to me. To tell her that the road to redemption was never in my line of sight, but she was clearing the fog.

"I Y/n Y/l/n solemnly swear to try my best to be less of a complete idiot. How's that?"

I laughed. "I think you're reaching. I mean it seems like an impossible feat for you."

She hit my chest and scoffed, "I'll show you Mr. Barnes. Just wait and see."

The gentle wind carried off our laughter as the mellow sounds of metal against ice created an odd melody behind us. 

"How about we head back? I could do with some hot cocoa and Netflix." She smiled and held my gaze.  
  
"Sounds perfect."

* * *

"This is _so_ good...you should make a cookbook, Buck. I need these recipes." Her moans were getting louder and harder to ignore as she chomped down on the food we made. I smiled as I watched her take in every bite with pleasure. 

"I'm just happy we don't have to wash all those dishes after enjoying this. You were right."  
  
She laughed at that. 

"Looks like my neurosis is good for something." I chuckled and continued eating as I thought back to her earlier confession. She admitted to having a bit of a strict routine when it came to dirty dishes and I assured her it was ok. It was one of the things I was excited for when she first settled in the apartment, learning more about her. Over the past four days I relished in having her around. How she hated the sight of a messy kitchen, how she loved the warmth of fresh laundry, how she'd marry anyone that got her a giant tub of (y/f) ice-cream, how she loved the smell of vanilla. 

The way she made sure everything was in order around the apartment before she went to sleep, the way she asked if I needed anything, the way she would clean up after herself, the way she did my share of the chores when she could tell my arm was acting up and the fact that she wasn't afraid to call me out on my crap. These little things added up. These little things matter. And these were the little things that were making me fall deeper into the hole I dug when I first met her. But I couldn't tell her that. No matter how much I feel and how much I ached for her heartbeat to match mine. I sighed as I ate another bite.

"What's it called again?"

" Tocăniță de vițel cu cartofi."

"Say that again.." There was something in her eyes that dared me. It wasn't shock or a lack of comprehension and it drove me to lower my tone and draw out the words slowly,

" _Tocăniță de vițel cu cartofi_." Her pupils lowered to my lips and I licked them as she shifted in her seat. She cleared her throat.

"It's such a beautiful language. You make potatoes and beef sound and taste like nectar from the gods." She laughed but refused to meet my eyes when I smiled.

We ate in silence for the rest of the meal and resigned to the couch for a movie.  
....

"It's unbelievable." Her eyes were glued to the screen as the huge reptile destroyed the wooden structure revealing the cowering man inside.

"What is?" I focused in on her expression as I asked what she meant. 

"The fact that they actually built it. They used animatronics and the crazy thing is, they preprogrammed the action into the machine so the T-rex would destroy the bathroom without hurting the actor."

I laughed, "Why do you know this?" 

"What? I love the Jurassic Park movies and I always wanted to know how they made it look so real. I prefer these over the ones today."

"Nah I think you're just a geek." She feigned hurt as she clasped her heart.

"How dare you? I think I'll pack my things and go.

"I'll help." We laughed as we turned back to the movie and settled down. 

It was a joke, but it got me thinking about where we were. I turned to look at her. It was different being with her. She made everything so easy. I felt...lighter when she was around. She never pushed or made judgments, but at the same time she held standards. She didn't have ulterior motives and she definitely didn't pretend or play games. She was just Y/n. Simply and authentically Y/n. As I looked at her across the couch it hit me that there was a short supply of people like her in the world. She was special. Something I never wanted to lose. 

She turned my way and smiled. It disappeared when I didn't smile back. How could I? This didn't require cheap sentiment, it required strength. And oh how she made me strong. 

"I'm really glad you're here." It slipped out easily. Like a stream of running water.

"I'm glad you gave me a place to sleep haha." Her eyes shone in the lamp light.

"I'd give you anything you asked of me." It was extreme and irrational. But it was true.

"Well what if I asked for a million dollars or your kidney? C'mon Bucky that's ridiculous."

"It's not. It's the truth." I licked my lips and inched closer to her form, curled up in the sofa cushions. 

"What are you hoping for?" Her voice was soft.

"There's something that I want. But I'm patient. I _have_ to be patient. It's not something I can lose and if I have to wait, I will. But I want it."

"James I.." she looked away. 

"You don't have to say anything." I lowered my gaze to the smooth wood of the coffee table. Tracing the lines of mahogany.

Her voice cut through the air.

"Why now? Why say this to me now when you had time. _We_ had time."

"I see you, Y/n. I did before but now, I don't want to lose sight of what I want. I see you and I'm sorry it took me so long to admit it. But it's out there. It was always in _here_ , waiting." I held my chest and clasped at the fabric.

"But I decided to say it to you now because it wasn't fair. To either of us. I don't expect anything. But just know that I'm here."

I could see she was trying to speak. I didn't push her.

"Please...you don't have to say anything. I know." Despite the screams coming from the screen, the room felt deathly silent. I could hear my heart beating furiously in my chest, shaking every bone in my body.

"But you don't."

What did she just say?

"You don't know." She still wasn't looking at me, but I wanted her to. I wanted to see her eyes as she said it. I needed to know if this was real. That it wasn't some distant dream manifesting itself through a lack of consciousness.   
  
I tested the waters of my touch, and she leaned into my icy palm.

"I see you, James." I leaned closer, till I could feel the pattern of her breath. 

Within seconds, I caught her whispered words on my lips.

I tasted heaven. I moved slow against her. I was soft, I pushed gently. She pushed back and I smiled.

Her lips were like honey. Warm and sweet honey that trickled down my throat and tickled my skin. I felt her in every inch of my being. 

She laid a hand on my chest and I pulled away.

"Well what do you know. I made out with a hunk of metal after all." She giggled.

I rolled my eyes and wrapped my arm around her 

"Shut up and watch the movie, geek." I couldn't stop smiling.


	11. Chapter 11

"I think that's it." She packed up the box and put it in the pile with the others. I kept my gaze to the floor when she turned around.

"Hey. That doesn't mean that-" I cut her off.

"No. No it doesn't. I want you. I want to be with you." She smiled as I pulled her in.

I kissed her slowly, hoping to draw out the moment before it was time to part. We both jumped as her phone rang.

"Well that's him." She answered and I started moving the boxes into the hallway. Soon, the apartment was void of anything that reminded me of her. 

-

I sighed as I finished unpacking the last box in her dorm. I checked my watch, it was time to go. I wrapped my arms around her as she smiled sadly. 

"I'll see you at school ok."

"Not if I see you first." I rolled my eyes at her terrible sense of humour before taking her lips once more.

"Bye, Bucky."

"Bye, Y/n."

I didn't know where this road was going to take me, but I knew that after everything that happened in my life, I wanted her with me. Everything that happened over the past four months were the moments of my life where I learned who I wanted to be. I decided that it was time. Time to move on, time to be better. I gave her a small wave as I closed the door and hoped that I would make the most of whatever came next.

* * *

"Wow. I am stuffed. I don't think I'll eat anything else ever." I laughed as she opened the button of her jeans from her position in the passenger's seat. 

"Yeah right. This time tomorrow I'm gonna catch you stuffing your face with Oreos. Don't think I've forgiven you after last time."

She glared at me and patted her stomach, "The tummy wants what the tummy wants Barnes."

I shook my head as we pulled into the parking lot. 

I helped her step out of the car and we made our way into the lobby and up the elevator. 

My hands shook as I think of the surprise I had waiting for her in the kitchen. I ran my hands through my hair twenty times before she asked me what was wrong. 

"Nothing. Just nervous about the big work project coming up."

"The one for the new wing at the hospital?" I nodded absentmindedly 

"Yeah." She eyed me suspiciously as she folded her arms.

"I thought those plans were finalized already? The other doctors and I were all given notices about it last week. Remember?"

I swallowed hard.

"Oh no this is another hospital. It's the one in the east." I hoped she would buy it as the elevator doors opened onto our floor.

"Okayyy." She made her way to our apartment and unlocked the door.

I inhaled deeply and walked in. 

"Babe, could you um...could you get my kit? My arm's kinda acting up."

"Is that why you've been fidgeting through the entire dinner? You should have said something. It doesn't hurt too much right?" She called as she hurried to the bedroom.

I rushed to the kitchen and opened the freezer. I said a silent prayer and moved to the doorway.

"Uh...Bucky? What are you doing?"

I took another breath and looked in her (y/c) eyes.

"Happy anniversary. Why don't you uh...open it." The condensation on the giant tub of (y/f) ice cream was starting to make my hands limp as I blinked profusely. 

"This is so sweet. And I'm not talking about the ice cream." She grinned as she started to pull off the cover.

"Did you get the one with the-"

I got down on my knee and looked up at her. Eyes wide, tears threatening to spill at any second at the sight of the ring taped to the bottom of the cover.

"When I first met you, I didn't understand what it meant to love someone. I've made mistake after mistake and I thought I wasn't the person that deserved love or happiness or anything good. But, then you showed me how wrong I was and how to love and accept being loved. I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you marry me?"

She didn't say anything. Not through the tears or the gasping. But I wasn't worried, because when she accepted the ring and pulled me in for a sweet kiss I dragged her to the couch and as we sat there, full of ice cream, we smiled at the start of a future. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok I'm gonna be honest, I kind of gave up on this a few chapters back. I didn't plan it as I should have and I'm sorry to those of you that had to suffer through my crappy writing. I hope there was some part you enjoyed. Thank you for reading.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm back. Man. I regret deleting all my other works. I swear I had them saved and was gonna repost them. But like an idiot, I lost them. Whatever. Anyway. This one just came to me.


End file.
